Thursday, March 31, 2016

Let's talk about love.....

Or lack thereof, one could say. Now don't get it twisted, I have a LOT of love in my life. I have friends and a select few family members that I adore and love, and also feel the same way about me, so I'm not lacking in that sense. But I am however lacking in the romantic love department. Well, not like there's not.....*sigh* I'm rambling. My thoughts get ahead of my fingers sometimes.

About 8 months ago I fell in love with Someone. Unexpectedly, unabashedly....deep, stupid, crazy, dope love. I still am in love with Her quite frankly and it grows every day, even under the current circumstances. I knew from the moment She sent me a message that I was going to be in love with Her. Honestly, I knew before that. I'd see Her around in the internet streets and sigh quietly to myself. I was fascinated with Her. She was beautiful to me, and not just in the physical sense. And that startled me about Her. Or more honestly, it startled me about myself. I'm quick to be physically turned on by someone. Hell I'm almost certain that most of the people I follow on the internet is because I found them physically appealing. But this....tingle....that I had for Her? It came from a deeper, unfamiliar place. But me being  me, I would've never stepped to Her for a myriad of reasons, one being Her relationship status, even though I knew She was in a situation that allowed for multiple people. I was friends with Her partner. Internet buddies I'd guess you'd say. But that part of this is for another day, because today? I'm talking about Her. She's.....amazing really. In the simplest terms. Even Her self perceived flaws are amazing to me. I'm typing this and smiling to myself, just because She's that damn special to me. And She, originally, thought I was special too. Adorable even. I was.....happy. I was feeling things I don't remember ever feeling again. And it wasn't some grandiose thing, it was the simplicity of it. And then things....changed, for a lot of different reasons. One of them being that I wasn't as emotionally open as She needed me to be. The question is why? Why would I hide myself from Someone I loved dearly, even before I ever spoke the words? I felt like, as things changed, even though She was still there for me....that I had become a burden to Her. And the more I felt like I became the source of Her pain and anguish, the harder it was to get out of that space. I was fighting it, fighting that feeling, trying to be more, do more, reach out and be more open, but I dropped the ball in key aspects of Her needs and desires. Don't get me wrong, She wasn't running me through the wringer on things that She needed or required. I however always came up short and every time I did fall short, I felt more and more like a nuisance to Her. But at this point now I know some of the reasons why. And I know some people may read this and think 'why didn't you tell Her this before? while it was happening?'. The truth of it was that I didn't know that it was a problem at the time. I didn't realize that certain things I was doing, or allowing to happen, were having such an adverse reaction in myself. I didn't think that they were 'issues' originally, but they turned out to be major components in the downfall of us.

I am a submissive. It's in my blood. It runs through my soul and I don't know how to NOT be one. I am however VERY persnickity in who I submit to. Just because you claim the title doesn't mean shit to me. If I'm not drawn to serve you, it's just not there. I'm drawn to Her. Completely. But She doesn't see that, and I know why. Simply? Because I didn't show Her in the way She needed to see. Tangibly. And I made a LOT of mistakes along the way. Partly because I was going against my nature and how I need to serve a Dominant. I'm the worshipping type. Put Them up on a pedestal and glorify Them every day. They become the center of my being and everything I do or say, every decision I make for myself, is passed through a lens of Their approval. My Dominant is the most important person to me and I willingly hand over control, leadership and guidance to whomever is the chosen one. I'm also polyamorous. Desiring the option to have multiple romantic relationships in an open and honest manner. As I stated before, She was already involved deeply in a poly D/s relationship with a someone I knew. And as the process started towards incorporating me into Her life, things got sticky for me. Her life functions in a non hierarchy, everyone is equal across the board manner. I thought ok, I can see how no one would want to be treated as 'less than' in their romantic relationships. Hell I don't wanna be treated as second fiddle either. This however didn't transfer well into my D/s, and unfortunately for everyone involved, I didn't realize it until it was too late. How do I balance between making Her know that She is special, above all others as my Domme, but not make anyone else feel like they are less than in our romantic relationships? Mission failed. Miserably. There's so many factors that lead to this quite honestly, many at my own hand, many not by me at all, but they all majorly affected everything, and everyone. But there's also a difference between equality and justice and for me, a Dominant-my Dominant, by definition is completely justified in not necessarily getting "more" from me, but getting different, and that doesn't lessen the importance of other relationships at all. It is what it is, but it caused a cycle of each person not feeling like I was attentive enough, loving enough, willing to put forth the effort for them. That I was just sitting here waiting for the golden ticket of approval that the were worth it, when none of that is true. And none of this is an excuse of my own personal behavior, however this did start the snowball effect of things that happened. I was trying so hard to keep it 'balanced' and it just wasn't working. I went into this with the impression that we wanted the same thing. That She wanted me to put Her first and foremost, to serve only Her and put Her as my center. Maybe I didn't get a clear enough view of what that entailed, or maybe the other people involved didn't realize what that entailed either. But no matter what, it didn't play out that way and I'm sick about it. I'm sick that I hurt Her, that I ever did anything that would make Her question Herself, Her worth. I only want to make Her smile, and I don't. I wonder if I ever did because it seems like so long ago.

There's much that happened. So many missteps and miscues. So many things that if I could turn back time I would do completely differently. Lady Luck didn't stay on my side much in this, but she never does. She sent her friend Karma tho....and Hindsight pulled up the rear spilling all my internal tea to myself. I wish....I wish I could fix things. I wish I knew how. I want nothing more right now than to be typing this in Her inbox and not in my space. I don't because I don't want to hurt Her anymore. I want to lay prostrate at Her feet and spill myself all over the floor for Her. And I can't. I want to scream "TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!" But again, I can't. I don't want to upset Her ever again in life, so I pull myself away from Her and although it feels like I'm dying because of it? I'd rather take the pain than risk causing Her any more. At the same time I think I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by NOT screaming in Her inbox, by not begging Her, by not putting the car on the road and driving to Her to lay at Her feet, wherever She may be when I arrive. She's completely irreplaceable to me and I fucked it up. And it hurts, not because I know that the feelings probably aren't the same. Not because right now Her ego is bruised, but when She's over that, She'll be over me and I probably won't even register in Her mind anymore. What hurts is that I could have been irreplaceable. That it didn't have to be like this. I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life with a hole in my heart the size of Her fist.

My friends in The Life tease me because I said I'm hanging my jersey up in the rafters. They tell me I said that before, and I have. This time however, it's a bit different. It's not from a place of self. I'm not worried about getting hurt or losing someone again that I love and adore. I don't want to hurt anyone else like I have Her. I also don't have any room in my heart for another Dominant. I don't want another. I'll never want another with the intensity that I desire Her. Me wanting Her feels so.....irrelevant. I feel irrelevant along with a laundry list of other things. You always want what you can't have, right? But I could have...I DID have, and I squandered it away.

I'm sorry for what I have done, the pain that I have caused. But what I will never apologize for is my love for Her. And I know love isn't enough to keep anything going, but without it? Nothing else matters to me. I may have lost Her and Her love forever, but I'm trying to find a bit of solace in the fact that I once had it. That I once felt this. Even though She didn't get to see my love for Her, I'm thankful for the chance to have given it to Her. And I will never take it back. Until I breathe my last, my love is Hers.

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