love the fact I can blame the tears on something else.
I can keep a smile on my face, a song in my voice and no one is the wiser.
I will tweet with wild abandon, makes jokes as if everything's alright......
But at night......when no one can hear me...when no one is looking, I can let them flow freely....and no one will be there to judge me.
This is why I don't give out my heart.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Creatively: I want to know
I want to know what makes you tick....I want to get inside of your mind....under your skin. I want to see through your eyes, feel through your sou. I want to flow through you like oxygen in your veins. I want to know how your fingers feel intertwined with mine, your skin against my skin. I want to feel the heat from your body, keeping me warm at night. I want the sweetness of your kisses lingering across my lips, the memory of your fingertips dancing across my body, reminding me all day of you. I want to watch your face light up when I walk in a room, your arms reaching for my embrace......I want to comfort you, nurture you. I want to help you find that part of you that you only dreamed of, the you that you never imagined could exist.
But mostly, I just want to hear you say that you love me.
But mostly, I just want to hear you say that you love me.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Woooossssaaaaahhhh!!!
Yesterday was a bad day for everyone involved in my life. Clients at work were on one, which set off the boss and that trickled down to me. My friends are going thru things that are difficult right now, and one of the people that can guarantee a smile on my face was in a foul mood too. Needless to say my cloud of anger hovered over my head a lot longer than I wanted it to. There was a bright point to my day. I talked to my favorite aunt. Talking to her always relieves my spirit. Even though she's miles away from me I can always feel her arms around me when I need it most. She is one of the most important people in my life and sometimes I forget to let her know just that.
We talk about a lot of different things, which is one of the things I love. I can be myself with her and not ever worry about being judged or loved any less because of it. We were discussing our relatives-because neither one of us refer to these people as family-and something very disturbing to my soul came up. My grandmother or Nonnie as she preferred to be called, passed away in November of 2007. She was the rock of the family. The only true tie that kept us even on speaking terms. Now that she's gone it's exactly as she predicted. The family is segregated and the break in this bond will never be repaired. It happened mainly because of the events surrounding my Nonnie's death, but that story will have to be in another blog lol.
My cousin Lex has decided that she wants her grandkids to call her Nonnie as well.....now, she's my 1st cousin, which means we share a common grandmother-Nonnie. Why exactly would you do that to the memory of your own grandmother? Some may say she's 'honoring' her but you'd have to know the entire backstory in order to understand how this is in no way an honor. It's flat out disrespect especially since some of her grandkids actually knew Nonnie. The fact that she believes this to be cute just literally turns my stomach. She has tried so hard to put herself in the position of 'Big Mama' in her dysfunctional side of the family but if you have to get there on the memory of an amazing woman that deserved that position, you get no respect from me. It just shows me that you, just like your triflin ass momma, had no respect for the woman who went out of her way so many times to make sure that you were taken care of and had anything you wanted or needed. She will continue to live in this delusional world where she grew up in a house somewhere with lush rolling hills when in all actuality, she lived in the projects, got strung out on heroin and pregnant by her pimp at 15. She's managed to pass her 'wonderful' morals down to her kids, which is why she's 45 with 5 grandkids and is raising one of them as her own because the state took her away from her trifling ass momma because she let her boyfriend beat the baby (she was still a toddler) with a belt and left buckle marks on her. But in her mind she's so much better than everyone in the family. I've almost come to blows with her before on situations surrounding my Nonnie and best believe, If I EVER hear one of those brats call her Nonnie, the fight will be on and poppin...no doubt.
We talk about a lot of different things, which is one of the things I love. I can be myself with her and not ever worry about being judged or loved any less because of it. We were discussing our relatives-because neither one of us refer to these people as family-and something very disturbing to my soul came up. My grandmother or Nonnie as she preferred to be called, passed away in November of 2007. She was the rock of the family. The only true tie that kept us even on speaking terms. Now that she's gone it's exactly as she predicted. The family is segregated and the break in this bond will never be repaired. It happened mainly because of the events surrounding my Nonnie's death, but that story will have to be in another blog lol.
My cousin Lex has decided that she wants her grandkids to call her Nonnie as well.....now, she's my 1st cousin, which means we share a common grandmother-Nonnie. Why exactly would you do that to the memory of your own grandmother? Some may say she's 'honoring' her but you'd have to know the entire backstory in order to understand how this is in no way an honor. It's flat out disrespect especially since some of her grandkids actually knew Nonnie. The fact that she believes this to be cute just literally turns my stomach. She has tried so hard to put herself in the position of 'Big Mama' in her dysfunctional side of the family but if you have to get there on the memory of an amazing woman that deserved that position, you get no respect from me. It just shows me that you, just like your triflin ass momma, had no respect for the woman who went out of her way so many times to make sure that you were taken care of and had anything you wanted or needed. She will continue to live in this delusional world where she grew up in a house somewhere with lush rolling hills when in all actuality, she lived in the projects, got strung out on heroin and pregnant by her pimp at 15. She's managed to pass her 'wonderful' morals down to her kids, which is why she's 45 with 5 grandkids and is raising one of them as her own because the state took her away from her trifling ass momma because she let her boyfriend beat the baby (she was still a toddler) with a belt and left buckle marks on her. But in her mind she's so much better than everyone in the family. I've almost come to blows with her before on situations surrounding my Nonnie and best believe, If I EVER hear one of those brats call her Nonnie, the fight will be on and poppin...no doubt.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Jumped up out the bed.....Woosahhh
From the wrong side obviously....My feet hit the floor running in full on Bitch Mode. Why? Could be because I accidentally shut off my alarm instead of hitting the snooze. Or that when I laid down last night (this morning if you want to be specific) I was not necessarily in the greatest of moods. Or quite possibly it was because I knew it was only Tuesday and I have so many more days to come to this place I call a 'job'.
There are several potential variables that have me feeling like this. I get in to several bitchy emails from different people....Like any of their issues is my fuckin fault. I'm either getting short or unanswered texts from people that should be responding and right now, this is SO not a good look. Then of course there's the fact that I just hate my job. Point. Blank. Period. Even when I did my makeup this morning it came out angry! My brows are a little bit sharper than normal, the crease more defined than I regularly do during the week.
Now I'm sitting here at this desk trying to relax. I need a scented candle or something up in here to calm my nerves.....something being a giant margarita and a massage, not necessarily in that order. I need to get away from this foolishness before I go postal on someone or take it out on the wrong person. Normally I'm not like this. I'm the calm, rational one that keeps everyone else from losing it, but as we all know when you are that person, you rarely have someone that can (or will) do the same for you. So I sit here, letting my little fingers say all the things that no one can hear unless you listen really closely.
There are several potential variables that have me feeling like this. I get in to several bitchy emails from different people....Like any of their issues is my fuckin fault. I'm either getting short or unanswered texts from people that should be responding and right now, this is SO not a good look. Then of course there's the fact that I just hate my job. Point. Blank. Period. Even when I did my makeup this morning it came out angry! My brows are a little bit sharper than normal, the crease more defined than I regularly do during the week.
Now I'm sitting here at this desk trying to relax. I need a scented candle or something up in here to calm my nerves.....something being a giant margarita and a massage, not necessarily in that order. I need to get away from this foolishness before I go postal on someone or take it out on the wrong person. Normally I'm not like this. I'm the calm, rational one that keeps everyone else from losing it, but as we all know when you are that person, you rarely have someone that can (or will) do the same for you. So I sit here, letting my little fingers say all the things that no one can hear unless you listen really closely.
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