Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Once you go fat.....

I've noticed something. It seems like you can't be proud of who you are as a plus sized woman, yet still want to lose weight. People act like you're abandoning the cause of 'fat acceptance' if you decide that you do indeed have too much booty in said pants. I hear a lot of 'you must not love yourself then' because I want to lose some poundage. What people fail to realize is that for me, it's not about wanting to be slim and trim. I want to run. I want to dance like I used to (I grew up breakin it down on some MC Hammer type ish lol).  I want to build muscles....I want that line down my calf when I flex my foot again. Basically I want to be in the best shape of my life and the side effect of getting there is in fact weight loss.

So no, I'm not leaving the 'cause'....I'm not a self loathing person that's just conforming to society's standards. I still support and always will support everyone's right to be treated with respect and dignity regardless of size, gender, etc., but more importantly, I respect MY right to be who I want to be. Im not going to start bashing overweight people when I get to the point where I am no longer one myself. What I will do is try my best to help someone out that may be thinking about doing the same. It doesn't make you less of a person because you want to become  healthier, or in my case, stay without any health issues. I dont want to take a million pills every day when I'm old. I don't want to get every joint in my body replaced. I want to travel the world and take sunrise runs on the beach (ok, maybe I'm tryna get my groove back with that one but you understand)...I want to LIVE my life, not just spend it 'alive'. And I know for a fact my weight keeps me from doing some of these things. 

So judge me if you want. Look down on me because I no longer want to play the overweight game....that's quite fine by me. That's your cross to bear, not mine. But please know that if you're looking down on me for wanting to better myself, you may want to think about asking yourself why you're not interested in doing the same. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

It's time for a change

Right now I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop. It's 12:24 am. I'm procrastinating. I should get up, take my shower, get my gym bag together for tomorrow and get some much needed shut eye, but still I sit.

This is my problem. Queen Procrastinator at your service. My procrastination has led me to a lot of things, mainly it's led me to being as overweight as I am right now. Mind you, I've never been skinny-well once in my life when I was 12, but that was mainly a protest to the situation around me. I've managed to live 35 years by hiding behind food and my justifying my actions and choices because I'm beautiful and I still always did all of the things I wanted to do. I'm starting to realize how untrue the second part of that sentence is. There are things that I have managed to convince myself that I don't want to do in my life, mainly because at my current weight, they are impossibilities. And no, as much as I know no one outside of me is really going to read this, telling my weight isn't an option. What is an option is me making the effort to change things, to make my life better, to take control of ME. I've been letting any and everything else dictate me...I just 'go with the flow' set plans. That mentality hasn't gotten me very far and I'm almost ashamed that it's taken me this long to realize it.     I can now say that I have realized it and I want to change it. That's the first start right, admitting you have a problem? This serves as my admission. I'm ready.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Another Mother's Day.....*side eye*

Mother's day is always an interesting day for me. I'm not extremely close to my mom like some people I know, nor am I separated from her entirely. We're more like aunt/niece, but that's not the point of this.

Every year the convo goes like this:

Person: Happy Mother's day!
Me: Thanks but I'm not a mother.
Person: Really? Why not? Don't you want to have kids?
Me: Sure, if it happens.
Person: Well you better get to working on it! may say this is just an honest mistake because one would assume that with my age (and I can only assume my race) that I would already have some chirren. But I don't. I will gladly give you a pass for assuming that I do, but when you start to question me on it, that's where I draw the line. Personally, it's none of anyone's business why I don't have kids. It's not abnormal for someone to not have any, or not want any for that matter. I'm not required to procreate. I'm not going to grow old alone because I didn't have children. I'll be just fine regardless.

The other conversation I hear a lot is from women that are mothers and became mothers when they were young. My TL on twitter stays full of  comments about women with no kids needing to STFU bragging about it because it isn't anything special and how maybe we need to address all the abortions that have been done to keep us that way......

*cracks knuckles*

Firstly, I want to stress that I don't judge anyone about their kids. I don't care if you had them when you were 14 or 40. You do you. It's perfectly acceptable for someone to do a #proudmommytweet, but it's not acceptable for us to be on #teamnokids? Really? Trust me when I say I am very proud to not have any kids yet. I decided at a young age that I wasn't going to have kids until I was married. I'm 35 and have never been married. I also have never been pregnant-EVER. Never had an abortion, never took a pregnancy test outside of a doctor's office. I have never had a pregnancy scare in my entire sexually active life. I've kept my BC prescription up to date, made sure condoms were used correctly, the whole nine yards. I made an effort to not have a baby daddy....and no, I'm not looking down on those that do. I'm just saying I made an effort on my part to not be in that position. Everyone is entitled to be proud of their personal accomplishments. Yours may be that you're a great mother and are raising wonderful children, but one of mine is the fact that I don't have children out of wedlock. It's my personal choice and yes, I take pride in it.