Dammit...

I miss her. And I shouldn't. Most days I've convinced myself I don't. And some days I genuinely don't..... But then there's nights like tonight when all I wanna do is hear her laugh. But things are fucked. And I might never hear it again.  This is life. And I'll be good. I always am.

Love is fickle

Or should I say people are. Love is true, honest, unwavering. It's beautiful when it's real. When it's taken away from you, it causes you to question it on the surface. Was it really love in the first place? Even when deep inside you know it was. You focus on the what and not the why. Sometimes people do things that hurt you because they love you. And that is a difficult thing to handle. Because it doesn't look like love to you. Someone that cares about you shouldn't treat you like that. It can erase all the things that they ever showed you that proved their love for you. It's the craziest thing really. Because in your heart? You know they love you. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. It still doesn't remove the pain tho. It doesn't stop that sick feeling in your stomach, doesn't stop the questions you'll never get answers for. And in this particular situation, it is even worse. Because I had very little expectations of anything. I didn't plan on a happily ever after. I didn't expect to run off into the sunset with the love of my life because of... things. But what I did expect? I expected that when it did end, because ultimately it was going to, I expected it to be handled better. Or maybe I wanted it to be. I didn't think for a second that I would be treated like a stranger. I never expected to be treated more important, because I knew when the shit hit the fan that fixing home would be the number one directive, but cmon....am I wrong for expecting... Better? I only asked one thing, to not get tossed to the side like I didn't matter and that's exactly what happened. And no, that doesn't necessarily reflect on the feelings that were there for me, but dammit that's what it feels like. It's a strange feeling. Hard to handle some days...most days. But on those days? I try to remember the days that were good. That were happy. The days I know I made her feel good, beautiful, special.... The days I made the best effort I could to make her feel like a Queen. And in my eyes. She still is. She always has been.

Do you remember?

Do you remember what it feels like? That tingle on your skin... That subtle smile that crept across your face...do you remember? Do you remember feeling close to me? Imagining what I smell like? How I taste? Do you recall the times you were stressed and I knew? Do you remember seeing me twirl as I soaked up your sunlight? Seeing yourself reflected in my eyes? How the sound of your voice calmed even my greatest worries? Do you remember the excitement you felt for me? The eagerness? The love you have for me? Do you? Or is that lost now? Did it all get tossed out the window with everything else? Did you throw it all out with the trash along with my heart? Did you lock everything outside of you like you locked me out? Did you close all the blinds so you can't see me? Shut the doors so you can't feel me anymore?  Are you reminded of what was wrong before to the point you ignore what was right? Do you only see me for what I initially seemed, or do you remember when I showed you who I really was? Do you remember when it was good, or does remembering when it was bad make it easier? Or do you even remember me at all? Did I ever actually reside in your heart or was I living in your ego all this time?

I remember you. I know you. I love you. Still. And it hurts.