Let's talk about love.....

Or lack thereof, one could say. Now don't get it twisted, I have a LOT of love in my life. I have friends and a select few family members that I adore and love, and also feel the same way about me, so I'm not lacking in that sense. But I am however lacking in the romantic love department. Well, not like there's not.....*sigh* I'm rambling. My thoughts get ahead of my fingers sometimes.

About 8 months ago I fell in love with Someone. Unexpectedly, unabashedly....deep, stupid, crazy, dope love. I still am in love with Her quite frankly and it grows every day, even under the current circumstances. I knew from the moment She sent me a message that I was going to be in love with Her. Honestly, I knew before that. I'd see Her around in the internet streets and sigh quietly to myself. I was fascinated with Her. She was beautiful to me, and not just in the physical sense. And that startled me about Her. Or more honestly, it startled me about myself. I'm quick to be physically turned on by someone. Hell I'm almost certain that most of the people I follow on the internet is because I found them physically appealing. But this....tingle....that I had for Her? It came from a deeper, unfamiliar place. But me being  me, I would've never stepped to Her for a myriad of reasons, one being Her relationship status, even though I knew She was in a situation that allowed for multiple people. I was friends with Her partner. Internet buddies I'd guess you'd say. But that part of this is for another day, because today? I'm talking about Her. She's.....amazing really. In the simplest terms. Even Her self perceived flaws are amazing to me. I'm typing this and smiling to myself, just because She's that damn special to me. And She, originally, thought I was special too. Adorable even. I was.....happy. I was feeling things I don't remember ever feeling again. And it wasn't some grandiose thing, it was the simplicity of it. And then things....changed, for a lot of different reasons. One of them being that I wasn't as emotionally open as She needed me to be. The question is why? Why would I hide myself from Someone I loved dearly, even before I ever spoke the words? I felt like, as things changed, even though She was still there for me....that I had become a burden to Her. And the more I felt like I became the source of Her pain and anguish, the harder it was to get out of that space. I was fighting it, fighting that feeling, trying to be more, do more, reach out and be more open, but I dropped the ball in key aspects of Her needs and desires. Don't get me wrong, She wasn't running me through the wringer on things that She needed or required. I however always came up short and every time I did fall short, I felt more and more like a nuisance to Her. But at this point now I know some of the reasons why. And I know some people may read this and think 'why didn't you tell Her this before? while it was happening?'. The truth of it was that I didn't know that it was a problem at the time. I didn't realize that certain things I was doing, or allowing to happen, were having such an adverse reaction in myself. I didn't think that they were 'issues' originally, but they turned out to be major components in the downfall of us.

I am a submissive. It's in my blood. It runs through my soul and I don't know how to NOT be one. I am however VERY persnickity in who I submit to. Just because you claim the title doesn't mean shit to me. If I'm not drawn to serve you, it's just not there. I'm drawn to Her. Completely. But She doesn't see that, and I know why. Simply? Because I didn't show Her in the way She needed to see. Tangibly. And I made a LOT of mistakes along the way. Partly because I was going against my nature and how I need to serve a Dominant. I'm the worshipping type. Put Them up on a pedestal and glorify Them every day. They become the center of my being and everything I do or say, every decision I make for myself, is passed through a lens of Their approval. My Dominant is the most important person to me and I willingly hand over control, leadership and guidance to whomever is the chosen one. I'm also polyamorous. Desiring the option to have multiple romantic relationships in an open and honest manner. As I stated before, She was already involved deeply in a poly D/s relationship with a someone I knew. And as the process started towards incorporating me into Her life, things got sticky for me. Her life functions in a non hierarchy, everyone is equal across the board manner. I thought ok, I can see how no one would want to be treated as 'less than' in their romantic relationships. Hell I don't wanna be treated as second fiddle either. This however didn't transfer well into my D/s, and unfortunately for everyone involved, I didn't realize it until it was too late. How do I balance between making Her know that She is special, above all others as my Domme, but not make anyone else feel like they are less than in our romantic relationships? Mission failed. Miserably. There's so many factors that lead to this quite honestly, many at my own hand, many not by me at all, but they all majorly affected everything, and everyone. But there's also a difference between equality and justice and for me, a Dominant-my Dominant, by definition is completely justified in not necessarily getting "more" from me, but getting different, and that doesn't lessen the importance of other relationships at all. It is what it is, but it caused a cycle of each person not feeling like I was attentive enough, loving enough, willing to put forth the effort for them. That I was just sitting here waiting for the golden ticket of approval that the were worth it, when none of that is true. And none of this is an excuse of my own personal behavior, however this did start the snowball effect of things that happened. I was trying so hard to keep it 'balanced' and it just wasn't working. I went into this with the impression that we wanted the same thing. That She wanted me to put Her first and foremost, to serve only Her and put Her as my center. Maybe I didn't get a clear enough view of what that entailed, or maybe the other people involved didn't realize what that entailed either. But no matter what, it didn't play out that way and I'm sick about it. I'm sick that I hurt Her, that I ever did anything that would make Her question Herself, Her worth. I only want to make Her smile, and I don't. I wonder if I ever did because it seems like so long ago.

There's just...so much that happened. So many missteps and miscues. So many things that if I could turn back time I would do completely differently. Lady Luck didn't stay on my side much in this, but she never does. She sent her friend Karma tho....and Hindsight pulled up the rear spilling all my internal tea to myself. I wish....I wish I could fix things. I wish I knew how. I want nothing more right now than to be typing this in Her inbox and not in my space. I don't because I don't want to hurt Her anymore. I want to lay prostrate at Her feet and spill myself all over the floor for Her. And I can't. I want to scream "TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!" But again, I can't. I don't want to upset Her ever again in life, so I pull myself away from Her and although it feels like I'm dying because of it? I'd rather take the pain than risk causing Her any more. At the same time I think I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by NOT screaming in Her inbox, by not begging Her, by not putting the car on the road and driving to Her to lay at Her feet, wherever She may be when I arrive. She's completely irreplaceable to me and I fucked it up. And it hurts, not because I know that the feelings probably aren't the same. Not because right now Her ego is bruised, but when She's over that, She'll be over me and I probably won't even register in Her mind anymore. What hurts is that I could have been irreplaceable. That it didn't have to be like this. I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life with a hole in my heart the size of Her fist.

My friends in The Life tease me because I said I'm hanging my jersey up in the rafters. They tell me I said that before, and I have. This time however, it's a bit different. It's not from a place of self. I'm not worried about getting hurt or losing someone again that I love and adore. I don't want to hurt anyone else like I have Her. I also don't have any room in my heart for another Dominant. I don't want another. I'll never want another with the intensity that I desire Her. Me wanting Her feels so.....irrelevant. I feel irrelevant along with a laundry list of other things. You always want what you can't have, right? But I could have...I DID have, and I squandered it away.

I'm sorry for what I have done, the pain that I have caused. But what I will never apologize for is my love for Her. And I know love isn't enough to keep anything going, but without it? Nothing else matters to me. I may have lost Her and Her love forever, but I'm trying to find a bit of solace in the fact that I once had it. That I once felt this. Even though She didn't get to see my love for Her, I'm thankful for the chance to have given it to Her. And I will never take it back. Until I breathe my last, my love is Hers.

Once you go fat.....

I've noticed something. It seems like you can't be proud of who you are as a plus sized woman, yet still want to lose weight. People act like you're abandoning the cause of 'fat acceptance' if you decide that you do indeed have too much booty in said pants. I hear a lot of 'you must not love yourself then' because I want to lose some poundage. What people fail to realize is that for me, it's not about wanting to be slim and trim. I want to run. I want to dance like I used to (I grew up breakin it down on some MC Hammer type ish lol).  I want to build muscles....I want that line down my calf when I flex my foot again. Basically I want to be in the best shape of my life and the side effect of getting there is in fact weight loss.


So no, I'm not leaving the 'cause'....I'm not a self loathing person that's just conforming to society's standards. I still support and always will support everyone's right to be treated with respect and dignity regardless of size, gender, etc., but more importantly, I respect MY right to be who I want to be. Im not going to start bashing overweight people when I get to the point where I am no longer one myself. What I will do is try my best to help someone out that may be thinking about doing the same. It doesn't make you less of a person because you want to become  healthier, or in my case, stay without any health issues. I dont want to take a million pills every day when I'm old. I don't want to get every joint in my body replaced. I want to travel the world and take sunrise runs on the beach (ok, maybe I'm tryna get my groove back with that one but you understand)...I want to LIVE my life, not just spend it 'alive'. And I know for a fact my weight keeps me from doing some of these things. 


So judge me if you want. Look down on me because I no longer want to play the overweight game....that's quite fine by me. That's your cross to bear, not mine. But please know that if you're looking down on me for wanting to better myself, you may want to think about asking yourself why you're not interested in doing the same. 

It's time for a change

Right now I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop. It's 12:24 am. I'm procrastinating. I should get up, take my shower, get my gym bag together for tomorrow and get some much needed shut eye, but still I sit.

This is my problem. Queen Procrastinator at your service. My procrastination has led me to a lot of things, mainly it's led me to being as overweight as I am right now. Mind you, I've never been skinny-well once in my life when I was 12, but that was mainly a protest to the situation around me. I've managed to live 35 years by hiding behind food and my weight....by justifying my actions and choices because I'm beautiful and I still always did all of the things I wanted to do. I'm starting to realize how untrue the second part of that sentence is. There are things that I have managed to convince myself that I don't want to do in my life, mainly because at my current weight, they are impossibilities. And no, as much as I know no one outside of me is really going to read this, telling my weight isn't an option. What is an option is me making the effort to change things, to make my life better, to take control of ME. I've been letting any and everything else dictate me...I just 'go with the flow'...no set plans. That mentality hasn't gotten me very far and I'm almost ashamed that it's taken me this long to realize it.     I can now say that I have realized it and I want to change it. That's the first start right, admitting you have a problem? This serves as my admission. I'm ready.

Another Mother's Day.....*side eye*

Mother's day is always an interesting day for me. I'm not extremely close to my mom like some people I know, nor am I separated from her entirely. We're more like aunt/niece, but that's not the point of this.

Every year the convo goes like this:

Person: Happy Mother's day!
Me: Thanks but I'm not a mother.
Person: Really? Why not? Don't you want to have kids?
Me: Sure, if it happens.
Person: Well you better get to working on it!

Now....one may say this is just an honest mistake because one would assume that with my age (and I can only assume my race) that I would already have some chirren. But I don't. I will gladly give you a pass for assuming that I do, but when you start to question me on it, that's where I draw the line. Personally, it's none of anyone's business why I don't have kids. It's not abnormal for someone to not have any, or not want any for that matter. I'm not required to procreate. I'm not going to grow old alone because I didn't have children. I'll be just fine regardless.

The other conversation I hear a lot is from women that are mothers and became mothers when they were young. My TL on twitter stays full of  comments about women with no kids needing to STFU bragging about it because it isn't anything special and how maybe we need to address all the abortions that have been done to keep us that way......

*cracks knuckles*

Firstly, I want to stress that I don't judge anyone about their kids. I don't care if you had them when you were 14 or 40. You do you. It's perfectly acceptable for someone to do a #proudmommytweet, but it's not acceptable for us to be on #teamnokids? Really? Trust me when I say I am very proud to not have any kids yet. I decided at a young age that I wasn't going to have kids until I was married. I'm 35 and have never been married. I also have never been pregnant-EVER. Never had an abortion, never took a pregnancy test outside of a doctor's office. I have never had a pregnancy scare in my entire sexually active life. I've kept my BC prescription up to date, made sure condoms were used correctly, the whole nine yards. I made an effort to not have a baby daddy....and no, I'm not looking down on those that do. I'm just saying I made an effort on my part to not be in that position. Everyone is entitled to be proud of their personal accomplishments. Yours may be that you're a great mother and are raising wonderful children, but one of mine is the fact that I don't have children out of wedlock. It's my personal choice and yes, I take pride in it.

I.....

love the fact I can blame the tears on something else.

I can keep a smile on my face, a song in my voice and no one is the wiser.

I will tweet with wild abandon, makes jokes as if everything's alright......

But at night......when no one can hear me...when no one is looking, I can let them flow freely....and no one will be there to judge me.

This is why I don't give out my heart.

Creatively: I want to know

I want to know what makes you tick....I want to get inside of your mind....under your skin. I want to see through your eyes, feel through your sou. I want to flow through you like oxygen in your veins. I want to know how your fingers feel intertwined with mine, your skin against my skin. I want to feel the heat from your body, keeping me warm at night. I want the sweetness of your kisses lingering across my lips, the memory of your fingertips dancing across my body, reminding me all day of you. I want to watch your face light up when I walk in a room, your arms reaching for my embrace......I want to comfort you, nurture you. I want to help you find that part of you that you only dreamed of, the you that you never imagined could exist.

But mostly, I just want to hear you say that you love me.

Woooossssaaaaahhhh!!!

Yesterday was a bad day for everyone involved in my life. Clients at work were on one, which set off the boss and that trickled down to me. My friends are going thru things that are difficult right now, and one of the people that can guarantee a smile on my face was in a foul mood too. Needless to say my cloud of anger hovered over my head a lot longer than I wanted it to. There was a bright point to my day. I talked to my favorite aunt. Talking to her always relieves my spirit. Even though she's miles away from me I can always feel her arms around me when I need it most. She is one of the most important people in my life and sometimes I forget to let her know just that.

We talk about a lot of different things, which is one of the things I love. I can be myself with her and not ever worry about being judged or loved any less because of it. We were discussing our relatives-because neither one of us refer to these people as family-and something very disturbing to my soul came up. My grandmother or Nonnie as she preferred to be called, passed away in November of 2007. She was the rock of the family. The only true tie that kept us even on speaking terms. Now that she's gone it's exactly as she predicted. The family is segregated and the break in this bond will never be repaired. It happened mainly because of the events surrounding my Nonnie's death, but that story will have to be in another blog lol.

My cousin Lex has decided that she wants her grandkids to call her Nonnie as well.....now, she's my 1st cousin, which means we share a common grandmother-Nonnie. Why exactly would you do that to the memory of your own grandmother? Some may say she's 'honoring' her but you'd have to know the entire backstory in order to understand how this is in no way an honor. It's flat out disrespect especially since some of her grandkids actually knew Nonnie. The fact that she believes this to be cute just literally turns my stomach. She has tried so hard to put herself in the position of 'Big Mama' in her dysfunctional side of the family but if you have to get there on the memory of an amazing woman that deserved that position, you get no respect from me. It just shows me that you, just like your triflin ass momma, had no respect for the woman who went out of her way so many times to make sure that you were taken care of and had anything you wanted or needed. She will continue to live in this delusional world where she grew up in a house somewhere with lush rolling hills when in all actuality, she lived in the projects, got strung out on heroin and pregnant by her pimp at 15. She's managed to pass her 'wonderful' morals down to her kids, which is why she's 45 with 5 grandkids and is raising one of them as her own because the state took her away from her trifling ass momma because she let her boyfriend beat the baby (she was still a toddler) with a belt and left buckle marks on her. But in her mind she's so much better than everyone in the family. I've almost come to blows with her before on situations surrounding my Nonnie and best believe, If I EVER hear one of those brats call her Nonnie, the fight will be on and poppin...no doubt.